Homecoming

 

06.09.2023

Two whole years and today I decided to have the courage to write something down. Write something down that is not meant for an assignment, a research paper or an internship. Something that I felt like penning down. The things I write about aren’t so great and that is the only revelation which does not make me sad. It rather makes me feel empowered about not having to be scared to share my thoughts to the very few people who find it worth their time to read my work.

 It has been 566 days since I have decided to pack my whole life in two suitcases and shift to Delhi. It is a place that literally translates to “gateway”. And after all these days, I probably find it to be true, Delhi was my gateway. It was a threshold for me to be an adult and thinking it might be the hardest job I will ever have to take up. While I unpacked my bags, I made so many promises to myself- to give my best in college, make friendships that would last a lifetime and to have my career sorted by the time I’m in the final year of my graduation. Oh how I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that it was going to be an unpleasant road uphill. But being halfway up the road, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I might have not been the best at college but I tried to make myself better, I might not have ended up with the bunch of friends whom I’ve designated to be my “ride and die” the very first day I entered college but I’ve met a crazy bunch of girls who feel like home away from home and I know if not anything else, I’d turn out to be a decent and empathetic human being. And it is not a very bad thing, trust me. 

It is not a bad thing and I didn't really get it until people around me and Delhi made me realize that. If you know me, you would also know I'm the most neurotic, anxious and self-doubting person you must have ever met in your entire lives. And this very same thing got to me in the past one and a half month where I came to accept that anxiety was a major chunk of my life; in fact my entire life revolved around it. Trust me when I say this but I’ve tried everything possible to make it better- medication, guided meditation, journaling and even considered therapy. I’m not going to say they didn’t help me but nothing felt better than the night I lied down beside my friend trying to sleep while she told me how proud she was of everything I’ve done and become. That was all I needed. All I needed to make me feel better, even if it was for a second. It felt warmer than a cup of hot chocolate during the worst of Delhi winters. It was the moment I understood how many moments and people I’ve taken for granted while being so consumed in the sadness of feeling “I’m not enough”. That was when I realized there were so many people and  things that I will forever be indebted to. 

I have the people who pick up my calls at random times to tell me the most dumb things to make me feel better when I’m anxious, who tell me I’m gorgeous every single day, who help me breathe as they breathe along with me over a video call, who give me the best hugs on the planet, who tell me they look up to me, who sing songs on top of their lungs at one in the night, who know when to tell me the right thing every single time and those who would do anything to just meet me even if it was for a second. There were a lot of people I’ve lost contact with in the past year or so because of my issues but these ones stuck around and now I know, they always will. They have cheered me up during my worst days and cheered for me even harder on the days I did something for myself. They are family. This work of mine is a note of gratitude to them even though nothing would ever suffice for what they do for me. And there is one more person I would like to thank today, the one person who deserves it more than anybody and has been waiting for the past nineteen years to listen to a simple “thank you” from me. I would like to thank her for growing up from a little girl who was afraid about being left out to being a young woman who finds solace in spending time with herself. For becoming a person who does everything in her potential to become a better person every morning she wakes up- a person who is not scared to love beyond limits and who is unapologetic around her people. An opinionated woman who is not scared to prove her worth to the world. And she has managed to do all this, one day at a time, falling at times but never fearful of starting again. I’m beyond thankful to her; thankful to myself. 

And I found a way to recognize these people and moments because of this place. A place where I can put on a kurti and pair it along with my jeans, some beautiful jhumkas, a tote bag and feel like I could conquer the whole world as I travel in an auto and fall in love with all the sights it beholds. The city where I went to watch a movie by myself, where I loved every second of my first theatre experience, where I am not afraid to yearn for love and belonging, where I felt beautiful in my skin and where I began trying to fall in love with myself. And no matter where I go in my life, it will always feel like home when I’m back in this sweet old city. So thank you Delhi. 

This is all for now before I decide to come back here again and manage to write something for myself. As I come to an end typing this for my blog, it feels like coming back to a place where you know you belong. Probably this is how homecoming feels like.